the very best, pt. xix
Welcome back once again to The Very Best, our ongoing quest to document how cool and talented all of the trainers are in Pokemon X. (Also Y? They're the same list. But I'm playing X.) Lately I've been splitting the duty of cataloging with the duty of writing and this week I have written, like, four very nearly complete posts on disparate topics, for some reason. I'll finish them eventually, probably! Anyway, we're doing Pokemon things. Let's begin.
What If We Battled Under A Cafe?
After we beat the Anistar Gym, Lysandre sends everyone a HoloCaster message (he's the CEO, he can just do that) informing them that he's about to destroy the world so only Team Flare survives. That's pretty rude! Calem suggests we split up and search for him, and it turns out Team Flare's HQ is under Lysandre Cafe in Lumiose City. This one will be a two-part series! Two whole dungeons!
Lysandre Cafe: Team Flare Grunt (Ersatz Waiter)
This Grunt, cleverly disguised as a waiter, has a Scrafty at level 46. Fairly easily dispatched--by now, that's a pretty defeatable Team Flare Pokemon but maybe if you aren't expecting a fight you forgot to lead with a Pokemon that's good against the types of Pokemon Team Flare likes to field? Skill Rating: 3/5
For whatever reason, the Waiter!Grunt has decided to maintain the waiter guise: "Today our special is . . . get out of here or else!" You absolutely nailed it, bud. Then after we win he tells us the password. Maybe he's trying to sabotage Team Flare? Maybe he's just that incompetent? Who can say? Coolness Rating: 3/5
Lysandre Cafe: Team Flare Grunt (Ersatz Waitress)
This one is a fake Waitress! Or maybe she's real? Like, this is an actual cafe, right? Do these people just also work food service for Lysandre while working to destroy the world? Is he truly that evil? Anyway she has a level 46 Liepard. That's not going to cut it, lady. Skill Rating: 2/5
Much like her coworker, this grunt is trying to maintain the food service guise: "Today's special is a SCRAM-ble." This is followed by a threat, and then on her defeat she tries to make us question whether she was really part of Team Flare or just . . . I don't know, was pretending to be? Then she tells us there's a secret door. She gets points for being more clever than her buddy. Coolness Rating: 4/5
Lysandre Labs: Team Flare Lysandre
Here he is, the big bad! Our first confrontation of like two and a half! (We'll talk about it when we get there.) He's got a level 45 Mienfoo, a level 45 Murkrow, a level 47 Pyroar, and a level 49 Gyarados. Not quite sure why he hasn't evolved his Murkrow yet--maybe he's waiting for Sucker Punch? But otherwise, this is a solid team. Covers a lot of bases, all decently strong types. No complaints.
He seems weirdly chill about us trying to stop him. They're going for that "I'm only destroying the world because I think it's for the best" reluctant villain vibe; he tried to save the world with his billions but to no avail, so he decided the only way forward is to kill everyone save for a chosen elite. I have minimal sympathy. Anyway, no rating now; we'll get to dunking on him properly later.
Lysandre Labs: Team Flare Grunt #1
This Grunt has a level 46 Swalot. I think we will be running into this problem a lot: by level 46 we have way more powerful tools in our toolbox to deal with threats; Team Flare has, by and large, not really evolved to keep up with the times. Skill Rating: 2/5
Grunt #1 seems to be mostly interested in the warp panel she's guarding. It also seems that she'd rather be doing some breathing exercises than fighting us, which suggests that maybe she's not on board with killing all humans. That's fair, I guess. Coolness Rating: 3/5
Lysandre Labs: Team Flare Aliana
Our second fight with Aliana! This time she comes with her Mightyena at level 46, and a level 48 Druddigon. Druddigon is weak to Fairy types, which means there's a pretty good chance you're accidentally countering this one, but I'll give her a pass on this one. It's got a great moveset and both Surf and Crunch get the bonus from Sheer Force, so it can hit with most of its moves pretty hard. Mightyena's moveset is much improved from its first appearance--now with Taunt, Sucker Punch, Crunch, and Embargo--but it's still pretty unexciting. Skill Rating: 3/5
Aliana is, as we observed previously, your standard indifferent amoral scientist type. Doesn't particularly care that killing the world is wrong, seems to mostly think of it as an interesting logistical challenge; she calls us "that fascinating little Trainer from the Kalos Power Plant". I enjoy this particular fictional archetype but also she is definitely not invited to our birthday party. Coolness Rating: 2/5
Lysandre Labs: Team Flare Grunt #2
Grunt #2 has a Swalot and a Liepard, at level 45 and 43 respectively. These are the Platonic ideal of also-ran Team Flare Pokemon and also we just fought someone with a Swalot. Do something to distinguish yourself, man. Skill Rating: 2/5
"Time for me to lay waste to you and your Pokemon and finally get recognized by the admins!" Sorry, buddy, you're only being recognized as a failure. He laments after his defeat that the Scientists get special treatment in the organization, which (a) maybe if you were more competent you wouldn't feel neglected but also (b) did you really think the evil organization you joined would be egalitarian? Come on, use your nonce. Coolness Rating: 1/5
Lysandre Labs: Team Flare Grunt #3
Grunt #3 has a Liepard and a Mightyena, both at level 44. I'm beginning to see why the Scientists talk shit about the Grunts all the time. Skill Rating: 2/5
This Grunt asserts that "Fashionable people can (battle/be sad/lose, when battle starts, when he loses, and when we talk to him after the battle), too!" and when you're currently helping blow up the world I feel like perhaps you should be doing more than pretending that wearing the exact same thing as all of your colleagues is fashionable and pretending that that is a personality trait, you know? Coolness Rating: 1/5
Lysandre Labs: Team Flare Grunt #4
Grunt #4 has a Houndoom and a Toxicroak, at level 44. Now this is a good team. While Ground-type moves will cover them both nicely, that's not going to be most people's standard go-to type for dealing with Team Flare. Much more effective as a roadblock than her colleagues. Skill Rating: 4/5
Grunt #4 threatens to send us spinning--get it? This is a spin panel maze dungeon? Anyway, she's comforting herself after her loss with the fact that everyone besides Team Flare will be dead soon. Coolness Rating: 1/5
Lysandre Labs: Team Flare Grunt #5
With a level 43 Manectric and a level 45 Scrafty, Grunt #5's team is fairly solid, but not exciting, especially if you brought out your Ground types to deal with Grunt #4. Skill Rating: 3/5
It's our cheerleading friend again, probably! I feel like she might be having some regrets about all of this but it's not entirely clear. She asks herself "just who was I cheering for?" when we defeat her and then says their goal is world peace. It makes one wonder how many true believers there are among the bunch. Coolness Rating: 2/5
Lysandre Labs: Team Flare Celosia
Celosia has a level 46 Manectric and a level 48 Drapion. I dig it. Manectric isn't much to write home about--solid but not amazing at this point in the game--but Drapion is profoundly underappreciated, and with a Poison/Dark typing it can hit most of your most common counters to Team Flare for super effective damage. Skill Rating: 5/5
Celosia always comes as a pair with Bryony (all two times we encounter them); she's got an easygoing devil-may-care irreverence about her that I find charming despite, you know . . . the whole omnicide thing. She knows how to laugh at herself! Still. Not gonna hand it to her. Coolness Rating: 2/5
Lysandre Labs: Team Flare Bryony
Bryony has a Liepard at level 46 and a Bisharp at level 48. We have been over my thoughts on Liepard--it's a great Pokemon at level 20 and it falls off a little more the deeper into the game we get. We're approaching level 50 now. Bisharp is a fun pick, but I think it needs a little something else in the team to really shine. Skill Rating: 3/5
Bryony is the serious, math-and-probability focused foil to Celosia's insouciance. It's a solid combo, really. The yin to her yang. Anyway, I was curious so I checked ao3 and I couldn't find any fanfiction of this pair (but also I don't know how to navigate that website), which I found pretty surprising. This shit writes itself, probably! Coolness Rating: 2/5
Lysandre Labs: Team Flare Grunt #6
Grunt #6 has a Golbat at level 46. I think the idea is that the villains aren't good enough at befriending Pokemon to get that sweet friendship evolution, but c'mon man. You could burn so much brighter. Skill Rating: 2/5
I'm not sure Grunt #6 knows what's going on. He thinks we're here because we're jealous of his suit? I think he thinks we're here because we're hoping to be allowed entry to Team Flare? What do you think is going on here, bud? Coolness Rating: 1/5
Lysandre Labs: Team Flare Grunt #7
Grunt #7 has a Toxicroak and a Liepard, both at level 44. Fairly uninspired picks; Toxicroak is a little too vulnerable to bring up the team here. Skill Rating: 2/5
Grunt #7 tells us that she likes recreationally spying on people's Holo Caster conversations--she even says "spying!"--but ultimately seems like she just likes hanging out and chilling and having a good time. "I just live in the moment!" she says. "Forget worrying about tomorrow!" You should maybe worry about tomorrow a little bit. Coolness Rating: 2/5
Lysandre Labs: Team Flare Mable
Mable has a Houndoom at level 46 and a Weavile at level 48. I like this team. It's got some vulnerabilities but she's got good coverage moves, some priority moves on Weavile . . . it's solid! Skill Rating: 4/5
Mable seems to be the most consciously callous of the Scientist lot. I called her "clear-eyed (derogatory) last time, and that tracks. This particular encounter she seems mildly softer, but I think that's more out of a calculated "we're not so different, you and I" gambit than because she is any less not-cool here. Coolness Rating: 1/5
Lysandre Labs: Team Flare Grunt #8
Grunt #8 has a Mightyena and a Toxicroak, at level 43 and 45 respectively. Solid team, nothing particularly exciting going on here. Skill Rating: 3/5
Grunt #8 asserts that Team Flare burns with ambition--sure, okay--and then we extinguish his flare and he develops an acute case of ennui. "Those who live life with a burning passion must eventually burn out and extinguish, right?" Maybe you should just get passionate about collecting stamps instead of murdering people, bro. Coolness Rating: 2/5
Lysandre Labs: Team Flare Xerosic
Xerosic has a level 46 Crobat and a level 48 Malamar. The Malamar very nearly swept my team--I forgot about Contrary so I gave it a speed boost with Bulldoze, and then its Superpower gave it an Attack boost, and . . . anyway, coulda been bad! I managed to pull it off because I'm profoundly talented, but, you know. This team is good. Skill Rating: 5/5
Xerosic was ordered by Lysandre to let us stop the apocalypse if we guess the button correctly, but even if we do (it's not too hard) he still activates the ultimate weapon. That kinda sucks! He is giving off some extreme mad science vibes. Anyway, we run into Xerosic later but we don't fight him later; much later on he is a lot more chill (but still evil?) . . . but that's the postgame episode, we'll talk about that when we get there. For now: Coolness Rating: 1/5
And with that, the Ultimate Weapon awakens, Geosenge Town becomes a lot less charming, and we leave off for now in the first of this two-part . . . it's not a finale for this series, The Very Best, but it is the finale for the Team Flare part of the story, I guess. So next time: time to save the world! One of my favorite little details in these games happens in the next bit, which I will probably forget to write about.
I'll see you then, friends.